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Journeys Through Self-Doubt to the Celebration of Festive Seasons
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Have you ever felt like you're waging a war within, where perfectionism and imposter syndrome are your relentless foes? I'm right there with you, and in my latest heart-to-heart, I lay bare my personal tussles with these all-too-familiar adversaries. From the workplace to my inner world, I reveal the ups and downs of striving for flawlessness and the courage it takes to stand tall and respected, particularly as a woman carving her space. And as the holiday season twinkles on the horizon, I invite you into my excitement and worries, sharing my plans for some much-needed tranquility amidst the festive rush.
Life's voyage teaches us in unexpected ways, and I'm here to share the treasures I've uncovered amidst the storms. Grappling with the tides of financial savvy and the voyage from codependency to self-love, I chart the waters many of us sail through. It's a conversation about cultivating a nurturing relationship with money and the life-changing power of transforming passions into viable livelihoods. We're all in this together, and my stories are lanterns, lighting the path for anyone navigating similar seas, emphasizing that wealth isn't just about personal comfort but how we can enrich the world around us.
As I near the close of my solo series, the approaching farewell is tinged with reflection and anticipation. In this episode, I uncork the layered emotions of the holiday season, from the warmth of Friendsgiving to the complexities of a religiously diverse upbringing. I discuss the bittersweetness woven into festive traditions and how we honor the memories of those we've lost. And with a gentle nudge, I prepare you for our final episode—a conclusion I hope you'll cherish as much as I do. So, join me for this episode of Code Green Plant, where it's all about heart, hardship, and the hope of new beginnings.
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So when your best friend says you need to have a disclaimer in the beginning of your podcast because the lawyer in her is Scurriman, you do it. Here's my disclaimer I am not a doctor, I am not a therapist, I am not even an expert. I am you. I am bringing information to you as I see it, but don't take my advice. Make your own choices and make them good choices. On with the show.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the podcast where we talk about cannibals. Community violation Code.
Speaker 1:Green Plant. Hello and welcome to my solo series here on Code Green Plant. We have two more episodes until I go on my own merry way to my solo series Love you, miss you Bye, which I'm very excited. I think I'm a little, I think I'm becoming a bit of a perfectionist and I'm not loving it. It's like you overanalyze everything to the point that you never move forward. I am definitely suffering from analysis paralysis, which is another word for perfectionism, where you just keep doing the same thing over and over again, hoping it will be better, but you don't actually move forward, and I'm hyper aware that I'm sitting in that right now. Then I also have the other side, which is imposter syndrome. So I have these two things that are like coming at me all week. I have to tell you, all week I have just not been super excited about anything that I'm doing.
Speaker 1:I think I'm in a funk and I'm not really sure why. I think I hit the highs and the lows. You know I'm mostly in the happy spirit. That's mostly where I tend to live, is in that good mindset, optimistic. I don't really struggle that much there, but every once in a while I guess, being a human, you have to also experience the lows to all of this, and my low is, without a doubt, not believing in myself and feeling like I am why does anybody care, why would anybody listen? And and watching myself and getting all cringed out where I'm just like, oh, that is just so awful, then I'll get a like, and then I'll get a follow and I'm like, okay, well, somebody, somebody liked it and that makes me feel a little bit better.
Speaker 1:But I still struggle with maybe all of this is for nothing. You know, I have moments like that, but the bigger side of me knows it is for something. So I just I feel like that I'm sure all of us do with whatever we do in life, whatever you're doing that you're really good at, or at least better than average, and you look at yourself and say, how did I get here? Why? Why do they believe in me? God, I fooled them, totally fooled them. You know I do that. I do that a lot in everything.
Speaker 1:You know, I doubt myself. I hate it. I hate it. I wish I could constantly just be like I'm the best you know, like that. That Kanye West confidence, yeah, I don't have it. I don't, I don't have it, and I'm not saying I actually want that level, but he has never doubted himself.
Speaker 1:You know, it's like I doubt myself every day in a lot of different ways. I'm like am I going to be found out that I'm not that great, that I'm not that good, that I don't know it? You know, it's like all those things, all those things, even in even in my regular day job, you know I'm like are they going to figure out I don't know what I'm doing? I know what I'm doing, but I have the days where I feel like I don't. I mean that could just be where I work. I mean it's kind of chaotic, it's kind of crazy, but isn't every place? You know what I mean? It's like you leave one place for their chaos and then you come into another one for their chaos. You're never quite without the chaos. It seems to just always be at every job that I've ever been at in one way or another.
Speaker 1:I've only been at this new place for two years, but hey, I mean their strength is treating you like a human and I can say that that's probably my most important. It's probably the most important thing that I look for when I work for a company is to have signs of appreciation, to treat you like a human, to respect you. And, of course, everybody I come in contact is not going to have that level of respect and treat me like a human, but they aren't going to get the good side of me if they don't. I'll tell you that right now. That's one of my triggers is when I feel belittled or my value, the value that they seem to place on me, is diminished in some way by something. It's my perception of how they say something. It's my perception of how they treat me, and I have the same loyal, fierce attitude when my team is treated like they are less than or not as important as.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, I lose it. I lose it and I probably need to work on that, probably need to work on that. It just comes from, maybe it comes from just being a woman in the male society. I mean it could, okay, so that's a topic for another day. I just go in these areas of passion, and so this is something I definitely want to talk about, which is corporations and how women have had to be treated with inequality in pay and all these other things. Trust me, that's a big deal to me and I will definitely hit that topic, but not today, because today is all about the holiday season. Guess what's happening? Christmas is on well, today's Friday. When you're listening to this on a Friday, so that means Christmas is on a Sunday and that means I'm about to start my PTO. That is right. Today is my last day in the office and I am headed into my PTO land and I look forward to this.
Speaker 1:Every year. It's my favorite time of year because you have your bonus and then you have your PTO and then you have your days at the office. Gives you just so much goodness. So much goodness, but not everything. Not everything is goodness. I hear a Christmas song, I get happy in my soul. I also get stressed. I get stressed in my soul as soon as I hear a Christmas song because that means I have to spend a lot of money, or at least more than I'm comfortable with. It's a stressful time a year for me because I mean, another part of my life is being a single mom and being a single mom and I have three children that I have to buy for, so it can be super overwhelming, super stressful, and that's really where I live during Christmas. I will say being at the company that I'm at right now is definitely taken some of that stress away, because they do their one time a year bonus for everyone in the company on the 15th of December and knowing that's there, it helps me feel more comfortable with spending a little bit more than normal for Christmas presents.
Speaker 1:I don't know, I think I've been stressed more so than I ever have in the last two years, and that has nothing to do with my job and everything to do with the economy. The economy is just kicking my ass. It's kicking my ass. The only thing good right now with the economy is gas. I literally put $20 in my tank the other day and it got half tank, half a tank. I was like this is what I remember. This is the good stuff.
Speaker 1:But I can tell you I took Hannah and Trevor, my two kids, to Walmart and we were gonna get it ready for Christmas Eve, which is coming up, and it's my favorite time. I get to have all three of my kids with me. Austin sleeps over, we have hot chocolate, so I had to get hot chocolate. Hannah doesn't like marshmallows, so I had to get a whole separate bag of marshmallows because everybody else does. So, having this Christmas spirit, I take my kids to Walmart and spent Okay, are you ready for this? All right, drum roll, I'm gonna put a sound effect in there. Drum roll please. $618. You heard me right $618.
Speaker 1:I don't think I have ever spent $618 on anything at one time, especially not freaking food. Okay, now, I didn't even have two carts, I will tell you. I bought a huge bag of dog food, which was probably $45. Of that, $618. I also bought some shampoos, deodorants, toothpaste, all those things that are essentials, but nothing that was a big ticket item. Nothing was a big ticket item. Tell me, that number doesn't blow your socks off, does it? Freaking? Blew my socks off? I mean, I bought little Sensee wax cubes because I love Sensees around my house. They aren't the actual name brands, sensees at Walmart, but they're wax cubes, wax burner cubes that I love very much. But that wasn't expensive. What is that like? Two bucks, five bucks, something in that range. I still am not really sure why and how I spent $618. Anyway, that was just food, that was just essentials, and that is terrifying. It is frightening that one basketful of food for my family of three, including myself, can cost me that much money. Yeah, so immediately, the Italians will say this is a word the Italians will use I immediately got Ajita. I got Ajita, I was completely just like from that moment and I said to Trevor, I'm like, okay, the goal is to only spend $400.
Speaker 1:We gotta stay around $400. So, as I'm ringing up the items and not only that, I was ringing up the items because there wasn't anybody that was human there that could do it. So just imagine how much Okay. So I was like we got a plan Trevor and Hannah, you go sit at the bags, I will scan the items and then give them to you and you can put them in the bags. So we had to go get a second card. Yeah, it was just a big to do. And so I'm ringing them up. And as I hit 500, I'm like, because I saw what was still in my freaking basket I saw, I was like, oh, we still have all the shampoos and the body washes and the toothpaste and all of that kind of stuff was still sitting in my basket. So I knew it was gonna jump from there. So, yeah, those were the things that were kind of just that add to my stress.
Speaker 1:I don't have a lot of the other stresses that people may encounter, the only stress I truly have is money. So Hannah put it to me like this, which I'd never really thought about, because Hannah and I truly believe in the universe and the signs and manifestation and just positive mindset, and that everybody has something on this earth that they are responsible or they are supposed to learn about themselves, something that just keeps showing up in different ways throughout your life that you haven't quite learned the lesson on. I think I was given two. One of them is learning to love myself in relationships instead of being codependent in a relationship, and the second is money Learning to manage in a way that I cannot be a victim to money situations. And so I've overcome one of those, which is not being codependent in a relationship and learning to love myself. That is something on Love you Miss, you Bye, that we are gonna hit 100%, because I feel like I've learned something in that whole thing. I've learned from all the past horrible situations that I've been in that I think can and will help somebody else.
Speaker 1:The other thing is money, and I think that so well. I just told you what the two things are, but my daughter told me she's like mom I didn't realize money was part of my life lesson, until my daughter said to me mom, I think you're put here to learn how to overcome and how to overcome problems with money. I think she's right. I think she's right because I've been struggling since forever. I've always been struggling, and so I think maybe all of this, I don't help my case by doing all these podcasts and stuff, I don't help my case by branching out and doing other things, but I think the money will follow. I believe that and I think that I need to create there it is. I need to create a better relationship with money.
Speaker 1:I always feel like I'm trying to obtain it instead of have it and be okay with it, and so the struggle for me is money, and I know that I'll hear, and I'll even hear things on a podcast, and they'll be like let's talk about financial security, let's talk about best practices to do with your money, and I will scroll past them because I absolutely don't want to hear them, and I think part of that is because I don't know if I can adhere to those rules and be able to survive. Okay, yeah, I know this is another vulnerability that we're talking about. Yeah, my relationship with money it's definitely a vulnerability, and I'm not gonna say that's the last weakness that I have, because there's others, but I think main major things that I need to get right in my life are my money, relationships and learning how to secure my future and learn ways to make my side hustle into a reality and maybe struggling with money so that I can realize the value of money. And I'm not saying I don't realize the value of money, but I need to later, once I have money, to help people. I think that people with money, a lot of money I'm not just talking about a normal paycheck, I'm talking about a lot of money that they get from investments or businesses or whatever they've done with their life to earn it. They should be doing something for the people as well and being a part of society right now and watching my fellow coworkers or family suffer because they don't have enough of it, I can see the value of putting back into the community and I would not have gotten that had I not lived through the money situations that I've been in, like spending $618 and wanting to go cry about it because it was a lot, yeah, so I think that's one of my major things, so knowing about the two things that plague my life, and the two things that I know that I need to learn in my life can all come around Christmas. I mean, think about it.
Speaker 1:Money, obviously a big stress for most people in the world during the holidays, and then relationships, which can absolutely devastate a holiday. Whether you're going through a divorce or you're breaking up with a boyfriend, relationships can involve turmoil and fighting and having to see family members that you really don't wanna see, but you wanna see other family members, so you still go to the event. Yeah, I mean, all of that plays into the holiday stress For me, not so much anymore In relationships for me, I was able to get out of the cycle of being in a relationship where I didn't feel valued but didn't wanna be alone, so I was in those relationships during the holidays, and I'm here to tell you. I know some people are like I don't wanna break up, I don't wanna get a divorce, even though I'm miserable in my relationship because I need to wait till after the holidays. I don't wanna shake up the holidays. I want the holidays to be good. They're not good, though.
Speaker 1:See, that's the problem. It's like if I stay together with them, it's just a freaking excuse. Do you see what I'm saying. It's an excuse, it's. I don't wanna go on a diet until tomorrow. I don't wanna break up with him until tomorrow. Why tomorrow? What's the difference? Because all you're doing is wasting time, your time when that happens, literally your time. You only have so much of it in a lifetime. Why would you wanna waste another day of it Knowing this person? Your partner isn't the one, isn't the one that's supposed to be your lifetime partner. So why would you wanna waste it till after the holidays? Because I can tell you one memory that I will always remember.
Speaker 1:I was with my ex and he worked at nights. Okay, so I didn't always see him during the day, but we tried to make it where he would wake up and be a part of the family somewhat Not enough, but a part of it. So it was Christmas Eve. I got a big ball pit that required me to have to put it together. So it's Christmas Eve. I'm downstairs. He's upstairs either watching a movie or sleeping, and I'm downstairs trying to get Christmas prepared for the kids my oldest son. He was there because, of course, it's Christmas Eve, so he's gonna sleep over and he's there. And he is downstairs helping me put all of these presents together so that when Trevor comes down who was the baby at the time comes down the stairs, he's going to be excited and delighted that Santa left this ball pit for him and a basketball a little basketball thing too. And so Austin is the one helping me put these presents together.
Speaker 1:And I remember inside thinking this isn't what I wanted. I wanted my partner, I wanted my husband to be here helping me put these together, and he wasn't. He wasn't. So even though I stayed with him during the holidays, it didn't make my holidays any better. I get it. If you want the kids to be, you don't want the kids to upset the kids. I understand that aspect and I get that aspect. But another thing kids aren't stupid. Do you really want them to see this vision of holidays Like this is what you're teaching your kids tradition.
Speaker 1:No, unless you and your spouse or partner can put on an Oscar winning performance every single day of your life. Until you get, until you split. They know, they're aware and they would rather you not be together. I promise you that. I promise you that. So I would say relationship drama is another part of stress during the holidays. It's like nobody wants to be alone. So I'm here, I don't have a spouse, I don't have a partner, and I am probably happier than I've ever been in my life. It doesn't even come into my mind anymore during the holidays. I know that's crazy, right? Not even a little bit. Like I'm so okay with that. Holidays don't get me down at all, not even a little bit.
Speaker 1:Valentine's doesn't get me down at all. I'm not. I don't think anything gets me down about relationships, like nothing, I don't know. I'm different, though. It's taken me seven years to get here, working on myself and being very confident and secure in myself. I mean because the guy the spouse, partner, husband, whatever never really made me feel loved in the relationship. So why is Christmas gonna change that? It's not. It's gonna magnify the things that you want for yourself that you aren't getting. So that's really what it's gonna do.
Speaker 1:I would tell you that I wouldn't worry about being lonely. That's what friends are for. That's what family is for. Speaking of friends and family, I wanna know who invented friendsgiving, where it's Thanksgiving. But it's just your friends. I love them. I love them. I think that they should do the same thing with Christmas. I mean, I know friends go out to dinner and they exchange presents, and I'm gonna do that on Wednesday. I just think the more value should be placed on that.
Speaker 1:All right, let me get into all of this stuff. So I wanted to tell you a little story about how I was raised, because one of the stressors that I was looking at has to do with culture and the fact that not all cultures are represented in the holidays and how it makes certain people feel to not be represented. I read an article and I'm gonna share a little bit of that article with you. But before I get into that article, I wanted to tell you a little bit more about why I think it is so important to represent everyone when I was five okay, so my father, my biological father, rick is Catholic. Okay, my mother is was Christian, very, very religious family. Okay, my mom marries my stepdad, who is Jewish. So my mom Christian, my stepdad Jewish and my father Catholic. So all three are represented in my world. These are the three.
Speaker 1:I was raised in a Christian Jewish household in New Jersey. So we had the menorah up and lit candles and then we had a Christmas tree up and put presents under the tree. So I celebrated with my. I was raised in New Jersey with my step family, so my mom and I were the only two Christian people in the household. I loved being raised in that environment.
Speaker 1:My mom chose to not raise me in a religious household. She, in her words, said I don't wanna push you into any religion. I want you to choose for yourself. Well, that is both good and bad for a child. And I say it's good and bad because growing up I felt I just never really felt like I belonged and it seemed like all the groups were congregating together in these religious environments. So you had people go into Catholic school and then getting baptized and being a part of Bible study, and midnight mass on Christmas Eve, bar mitzvahs, just all of these different things that are all centered around religion.
Speaker 1:I didn't have one. I didn't have one that I felt like I belonged in, because I didn't know enough about any of them. That was the negative. The positive was that I was allowed to follow my own heart and guide myself to what I felt to be true to myself and was never pushed into any religion. I say number two wins out, it wins out. I would much rather follow my heart and figure out who I am and who I wanna be that way than to be forced to think a certain way. So really, what that comes down to is that now I find beautiful, warming, special parts to all religions.
Speaker 1:I have such a massive respect for all religions and because really at the heart of it it's the same, at the heart of all religion it's the same have a good moral, compass, love your family, love your friends. Don't rob, steal, murder, kill, don't do anything to harm people. So all the pieces are good. Now where I get a little stuck is where I have to follow a certain set of rules. So not allowed to have birth control. That's a problem for me, why not? Who are you to tell me I can't use birth control? So in the same religion, they'll tell you that you can't use birth control and not have an abortion. So that sounds. It sounds very controlling to me and I want control of my own self. I wanna make those decisions for my own self. So when it gets to that kind of time of stuff, I kind of have an issue.
Speaker 1:But when it's talking about love and belief and faith, now those things I can get behind. I love a lot of the Buddha religion and just I find myself drawn to it a lot. There's beautiful parts to Christianity, there's beautiful parts to Catholic which they say they're the same thing, and then there's Judaism, which is absolutely beautiful. I'm just I'm attracted to all of it. Honestly, and because of that in the holiday season I may traditionally follow Christianity and Catholic, but my heart and my soul warms when I see a menorah. I just it just does. I can't explain it. It's just because I was raised in a loving household and those things. Really, they just make me feel good, so I don't wanna leave anybody out. So when I say Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah, I know today is the last day of Hanukkah, there's Kwanzaa, which starts on the 26th. So I wanna make sure that I say happy holidays to all three of those religions and I hope that you have a safe and happy holiday.
Speaker 1:So we've covered money, culture, representation, and my third stressor for the holidays for me would have to be grief. And I say grief because I talk about my mom freely and I'm not alone when I say that somebody is feeling the loss of grief for somebody in their family or a husband or a child, or it could be anyone that you're hurting, and celebrating the holidays just kind of brings up that hurt all over again. You just feel empty. You know it's an empty, empty feeling, and I understand it. I've been there. But I can tell you you move past it. You really really move past it. But there are some things that you can do to help you kind of include them or just to make you feel a little more filled up on the inside and I can tell you for me I don't do any specific things for the holidays. You know I carry forward tradition for my mom so, like her big deal with stocking stuffers, that is my big deal too. So that is, that is all her. So I love that tradition that I've carried forward.
Speaker 1:My mom was a. She was amazing. She like made these. She was an artist. Okay, she was an artist so she created because we didn't have a lot of money. She made with cardboard. She created the whole Santa sleigh at a cardboard with the reindeer's and then she took it and she colored it and she put glitter on it and it was on our tree for years, years. I can just envision it right now. It's actually getting me a little worked up here. Just the love that she put into that. It was, it was beautiful and every year we put that sleigh that she made across the Christmas tree like Santa was across the Christmas tree. It was beautiful. I don't have that. I wish I had that. I don't have that, but it's something that it just it shows you how much joy she had around the holidays and, I'm sure, stressed to, just like us all.
Speaker 1:But I don't like set a place setting out and I know that here's some of the things that that I found that that people do that can actually bring them a little comfort. We've got passing on tradition, which is something I do with the stockings, but it can be singing a certain song. You can play their favorite Christmas song or play their favorite song and everybody sing along at the table. A place setting at the table that you save a spot for them, a recipe that maybe they cooked my mom wasn't a cook and either my, but you could use a recipe and make their favorite recipe that they made at the holidays. That's a. That's a big deal and people that can cook, I mean I hope that they're passing it down.
Speaker 1:I know a long time ago and I'm old school grandparents would have their recipes in a box and then they would flip through and they would never let anybody see their recipes in it because it was theirs. It was like all theirs. Now it's probably different. Grandma's, you know, probably aren't saving them in a box, but maybe that, no, that generation's still around. I'd say Gen X, which is me. That's not going to happen with me, but some other Gen Xers that are in a box. I'm betting they save their recipes on the hard drive under code, under a special code.
Speaker 1:Yeah, things have definitely changed, but it meant something because it was in writing. You know, in their writing their recipes is just, it's really sweet Lighting a candle. Now that's something I could do. I could see that you can light a candle, you know, as a memory. Say something around the candle, make it something that's special for your family. Here's one that I really really like. I really really like it and I actually I'm going to see my mom's side of the family. I think it's January 20th and I was thinking I was always writing. You know the things you can do to remember people. I saw a box. You can make a box, have each family member or friend write a special memory that they had about that person and have them put those notes in the box, and then you have these box of notes of memories that you can sit around and read later when you're feeling down. Or maybe, you know, after everybody leaves, you open the box and you read all the loving memories that everybody had of your family.
Speaker 1:The underlying message for this is there's going to be stress in the holidays, it just comes with it. But the important thing is to get your mindset right. Do not allow negativity to come into your space, just don't. As I've gotten older, I realize that I'm not going to like everybody. They're not going to like me. I have been able to because the love for myself has grown stronger. I'm able to cut people off that do not add positivity to my life and actually add negativity to my life. I've gotten very good at it. Does it hurt? Yes, it's not easy to stand up for yourself, but it's something that has to be done Because there's no reason.
Speaker 1:Just because somebody's family doesn't mean they have to be a part of your life. There's no contract that says they have to be a part of your life. They don't. And if they don't value you enough not to do the things that they're doing, let them go. The same thing for the holidays.
Speaker 1:If there are people in your life that you don't want there, cut them out. Cut them out. If you can't cut them out and you have to go, set expectations for yourself that you don't have to sit there and engage with them and move on. Send them a text and tell them that Say we're both going to be at this event. I know we still have this black cloud over us right now that we need to work through. But I don't want to work through it today because grandma or mom or whoever doesn't need that stress, and either do I. So you can do that, because you both are going to have to be there, but you don't have to engage. You don't have to put yourself in a situation where you have to engage, you just don't. And if being at that holiday party or family event is a full day, a full experience, you don't have to stay the whole time. You know, if you want to stay the whole time, go for it, but if it's not something that's bringing you joy, cut out.
Speaker 1:What I'm trying to say is this is about you. This is about you, and I know it is so easy to put everybody in front of you, but you don't have to. You matter, your feelings matter. This holiday matters. Gotta let it go. Use your expectations on what other people are going to do, and that way you'll only be impressed, you'll only be surprised. Remember who the important one is here. Remember you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people. Remember that and have a happy, wonderful holiday. Don't forget to leave milk and cookies out for Santa and enjoy your final day of Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa is the day after Christmas. Have a happy Kwanzaa, All right, don't forget to hit the like and subscribe button.
Speaker 1:Don't forget to follow on the podcast so that way you'll be notified first when things are released. That includes YouTube. You can go and hit the bell and it will tell you when we're coming on. And you know how I know that, because I get a little notification whenever my podcast is released. On Spotify, I see one come through, and on YouTube, apple podcast doesn't send me a notification, but when I open up the app I see us right there in the top because I follow myself. Somebody's got to do it.
Speaker 1:Anyway, have a great holiday, be safe and I will talk to you for the last and final episode here on Code Green Plant for my solo series. I'm heading to Love you, miss you. Bye, I hope you come with me. We got one more episode left of my solo series here. Oh duh. You can also support the show for as little as $3. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes. It'll say support the show. That's a link. Hit the link. It will take you to an area where you can support us for $3. That will stay in the app and I can use that towards future podcasts. Have a great holiday, love you, miss you, bye.
