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The Dance of Resilience: Confronting Criticism, Discovering Passion, and the Journey Towards Self-Belief
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https://youtu.be/fkzbQ4ZCYSg?si=_gwYzN4SkQqlPswK
Ever been slammed by criticism or wrestled with your self-confidence? Listen up, because today, I'm opening up about my own personal journey with confidence - the highs, the lows, and everything in between. From a tormented school-life experience with bullying to finding my haven in choreography, this is a journey that's shaped me into the person I am today. With an unflinching belief in my abilities, I've navigated the treacherous waters of social media and judgment, and I want to share this journey with you.
This isn't just about my story - this is about reshaping your understanding of confidence. Let's rewind to my middle school days, where a manufactured fight, fueled by rumors and media influence, changed my perspective forever. There's a lesson here about looking beyond the surface, understanding the context behind actions, and handling criticism with grace. Sprinkled in between these tales are my magical moments of discovering dance and choreography, moments that lit a spark and fanned my passion. There's so much to share, so much to learn, and I can't wait for you to join me on this intimate exploration of confidence, resilience, and self-belief.
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So when your best friend says you need to have a disclaimer in the beginning of your podcast Because the lawyer and her is scurremen, you do it. Here's my disclaimer I am not a doctor, I am not a therapist, I am not even an expert. I am you. I am bring in information to you as I see it, but don't take my advice. Make your own choices and make them good choices. On with the show.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the podcast where we talk about cannibal community violation.
Speaker 1:Hi, welcome back to my solo series here on code green plant. Today is episode four of the countdown, so this is the fourth episode left. While I sit here on code green plant, my mind is working in overdrive. I'm like okay, so I worked. I had, you know, a few days off from from my day job, my corporate job, and I made my intro and I made my outro and I use some of John and me from our last episode. If you don't know, john is my brother and he was here and I asked him to help me with my intro and it was so fun, I had so much fun and I put him in the last episode. So a little chaotic, I get it little chaotic, but that's kind of our life. It makes sense that my intro would be chaotic, but actually I ended up kind of I didn't put any of the beatbox in there. I may or may not let you hear my intro. Okay, you talked me into it. I'm gonna let you hear my intro, so I'll play that right now. Life is short, live it. I Would you think I Spent hours on that and I know it's like a few seconds, but hours on that. And here is my outro. Tell me what you think about this.
Speaker 1:Love you miss you by has been brought to you by Kristie Chanel LLC, but if you're looking for more information or want to follow us on social media, go check out Kristie Chanel comm. All the podcasters stream there and the YouTube episodes are there, so why not? You can also listen where all podcasts are streamed. This includes Apple podcasts and Spotify. And lastly, thank you to you. You, yeah, you, the one that's listening or watching. I appreciate you so much. Love you miss you. Bye, you like it, it's okay, you can be honest, tell me what you think in the comments and and I won't cry, I promise. Well, maybe I'll try not to cry, but hey, right, you got to be able to take the, the criticism, that, as long as it's constructive, I'm totally down for constructive criticism.
Speaker 1:So today I thought I would talk to you about Confidence. So it may appear that I have a lot of confidence because I put myself out on YouTube, I put myself out on a podcast, I Make shorts and I put my face everywhere on social media. So it appears nothing can faze me. Well, that could not be further from the truth. If I'm gonna be honest with you, I do have a lot of confidence. I Just don't have confidence in every area of my life. A lot of times I'm just closing my eyes and doing it.
Speaker 1:You know, like, like, when I do put out the shorts, the hardest, the hardest part for me is actually to put a short on my personal story, because I know people that know me watch that. Possibly, you know, if they happen to be there and they happen to just come across it, they'll watch it. Some people Watch it all the time. Some people don't watch it at all and it's just a random for some reason. That is the that is the hardest post for me is my personal stuff, and it's because I Think it stems from when I was a kid. I mean, I know, when you go to therapy they're like oh, the trauma is coming from your childhood. Okay, it's not. It's not trauma. Slightly, maybe, possibly it is. It is life lessons. Let's, let's just call it life lessons. Okay, you know, as I've told you before, I Was a little Texas girl in a New Jersey world. Honestly, that's what I almost called my podcast. By the way, it was just Totally Southern, totally did not have a northern, you know, accent. Yeah, I, I, I did. I definitely didn't have that. So when I met Laurie, I literally walked over there. I was like, hi, are you fixed in for school? And she still makes fun of me to this day.
Speaker 1:I have a little story where I was a I think it was first grade. I was in Miss Leasey's class and we were doing this play and I think it was like the, the frog and the duck. I don't remember exactly what it was, what it was called, but it was like the frog had a Banjo or something. I can't remember. It was first grade people. Anyway, I was the duck. I was the duck in this play.
Speaker 1:So I had on this yellow jumpsuits and a little white shirt underneath and one of the straps broke on my jumpsuit and the teacher said go into the second grade class and Ask them for a pin For your jumpsuit so we can go ahead and pin your strap. I'm like, okay, cool. So I walk in there and so when you walk through this door, you're walking directly. You see directly in front of you the teacher's desk and then to the right, the whole class. So anytime anybody comes through the front door of the classroom, you're walking basically onto a stage. The whole class sees you.
Speaker 1:So I open the door, I walk in there and I say, excuse me, miss winebraner, do you have a pen? And she says I'm a pen. Sure, she hands me a pen. I was like, no, oh, do you have a pen? And she's like I'm so sorry, I'm not sure what you're asking me for. And all the kids are laughing. They're just think that this is the funniest thing they've ever heard. Eventually, after a few times, it's saying it, the teacher got what I was asking for and she told me she did not have one. So all of that was wasted. But I'll never forget that because I was mortified. Looking back, I'm like, aw, how cute. But no, it was mortifying, it was dramatic. So I was definitely just out of place, I was a fish out of water and I think it might have helped me possibly Not really sure.
Speaker 1:I've mentioned before that I was bullied in elementary school called Caroded Christie and yeah, that was rough. And I remember we had to bring in these pictures of us for something we were putting on the bulletin board behind us, and so I asked my mom. I was like, can I have this picture? And she's like and she knew I was sad, she knew I was having a rough go at it. I didn't really like school at all because it just wasn't really fun for me, didn't fit in, and so we had to get this picture.
Speaker 1:And I remember there was another girl in the elementary school who had the same name as me, christie, and it was spelled the exact same way. There's no Y, there's not an IE, it's just an I, and she had her name spelled the same way and I remember thinking for the first time oh my God, I fit in, there's somebody like me, and I just love the fact that her name was spelled like me. I know that sounds crazy, but your little elementary mind is like oh my God, somebody else is like me. This is great, we have the same spelling. And, which was a feat, because I could not find a little license plate for my bike that was spelled my way at all. But yeah, I was like oh my God, somebody else is like me.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, I went home and I'm like yeah, I gotta put a picture of me on the bulletin board. And I was like I don't wanna do it, I don't wanna do it, and my mom was like why don't you wanna do it? Like I just don't, I don't wanna do it. And so she found this picture of me that was taken at a professional studio. I had my little Farrah Fawcett kind of wave going on and she tells me a story. She's like Christy, I want you to know this picture right here that you're gonna put on the bulletin board.
Speaker 1:The photographer wanted to use it and did use it in their studio as a sample of what their work can do. They used you as a model for their studio and I was like all of a sudden I felt pride. Okay, okay, somebody, okay, this is a good thing. And she said Christy, you cannot shrink because other people think that you're not valuable. She's like you're beautiful, you are beautiful. And I kept that. I kept that for all the times that I felt insecure, for all the times that I felt I didn't have value. You know all of those things that stands out in my mind because she told me maybe right now people don't realize how special you are, she's like, but I do. I don't wanna get emotional, she's like, but I do. I realize how beautiful you are and how special you are. She believed enough for both of us because I didn't believe it. I didn't believe it and I do today. I do today because I was able to carry that with me. Gosh man, I did not expect to cry today. That was not the goal, but I put my picture on the bulletin board very proudly that day, very proudly. I mean, some of the stories of elementary school are just, you know it's oh, my goodness, hold on, they didn't bring a tissue in here with me. Some of the stories from elementary school rough, they are rough.
Speaker 1:The first time I realized that I had a good singing voice I was in third grade, miss Berger. Miss Berger was the name of our choir teacher and she was known to be very, very strict and if she kind of looked at you sideways you kind of shuddered in fear. Okay, and so she. We actually had to try out for choir in third grade. So we would go there. So there's like a certain part of the choir that was like dancing and singing. So they were. They like did both. So she had you try out for it. Well, I made that. I was able to make that, along with a couple of people that were older in age a great hire, the popular girls for this thing from me, right, I looked up to them. I was like, oh my God, they're like freaking. Amazing. The popular girls.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to name them by name, but they stayed the popular girls. All through school we were in choir. The teacher, miss Berger, hands out you know music on a new song that we're working for the I don't think it was a Christmas show. She hands out you know music and we're all sitting there in this group and this was a chorus group and it had it had six. I was in third, so it had fourth graders in it too. I think it was third, fourth and fifth grade students. I'm pretty sure we were all in this class and it was. It was, yeah, we were getting ready for a Christmas show because I had my jacket with me. We're singing, you know, we're singing Irene Kara's.
Speaker 1:What a Feeling, you know, first, when there's nothing, that's how it starts, okay. So I'm reading that line and I'm like first went, and then I get lost. I get totally lost in my line and I'm like, oh shit, where I've lost my place. I know it's the first line, christy, get it together. I recovered, I recovered and I started to sing the second line and the teacher goes, christy, in front of everybody in the classroom. She's like Christy, look up. I'm like what, what I do? I'm so in trouble right now. And she's like come to the front of the class. I am dying on the inside at this point, just dying. I walk up to the front of the class. She, she says you know, I want you to sing this by yourself. And I the look of terror I gave this lady was just, it was I cannot even explain like the oh my God, what are you doing? Just because I messed up like that's what it was going through my head I'm like, just because I messed up, you're going to be oh my God. And she's like okay, class, christy's going to sing this song and you guys are going to sing the chorus. So when she says I am music now, the class is supposed to repeat it and go, I am music now. So basically she's saying that I need to sing the whole thing and they are going to be my chorus, sheer terror. But in that moment it turned from oh my God, why is she punishing me? To she thinks I'm special. She thinks I'm special. And then I started to think I was special. I'm like maybe I have a good voice, maybe I can, maybe I can sing. Maybe it was the first time I was told I could sing and I was picked out of a crowd to do it. So I'm feeling good about myself. I'm like you know, I'm feeling really, really good about myself and I go.
Speaker 1:After it's over, I go get my jacket. Well, she says, christy, I want you to sing this at the end of the at the Christmas show. Okay, all right, I need to practice, you know. I go and I pick up my jacket, which was hanging over a chair, and there is pen marks all over the back of it, all over it. And I start to cry Like why would, why would they do that to my jacket? You know what did I do to them? That that they're going to write all over my jacket.
Speaker 1:So, of course, I took it home and my mom went freaking bananas. She went bananas, she went to the school. She's like how are you going to allow for these kids to destroy her jacket? Now, keep in mind we didn't have a lot of money either. Like we lived in a two family house that we were renting, that. Anything that I got you know now, now, looking back, I realize you know that was one less thing she had to worry about. That. That winner and my stepdad had to worry about was, you know she has a jacket, she's warm and it gets freaking cold in Jersey and they had ruined it. They had ruined it. And so you know, of course now these popular girls because we know who was sitting behind my jacket these popular girls who I looked at and idolized had turned into mean girls and my nightmare yeah, especially my nightmare because my mom is now involved and they got in trouble.
Speaker 1:That was my first introduction to singing. Thinking I'm special, thinking I'm terrible, thinking I'm the worst. You know they think I'm terrible, they're making fun of me. So I've had that kind of internal battle. You know my days in school for sure. And then I, then I went to middle school.
Speaker 1:But middle school things started to change a little bit for me. I didn't feel like the ugly outcast, because it felt like, okay, you know, people do kind of like me. Maybe Still wasn't fully sure that that people liked me, you know I just I just wasn't sure, didn't totally feel like I fit in. But there are some some real diamonds in this group of people. There was some true, true diamonds. So so, middle school, I started to have a little bit more confidence and they had this, this school show, and I was, I had Dan.
Speaker 1:I was a dancer, you know, wasn't quite a singer yet, didn't really still know I could sing, but I was a dancer in middle school and I loved it. I took jazz, ballet and tap and I just I loved it because I knew I could do it. I knew that was something that I was good at. So they had this, the show, and I had this teacher in middle school, mr Cano, and I was doing, you know, I was doing competitions for dance and she was my seventh grade teacher. Everybody loved Mr Cano. She was vibrant, she was so sweet, so nice and you just wanted to talk to her and share your experiences with her, and so I shared with her that I danced, that, you know. I had a competition coming up and I wanted to be in the dance show and I think that she was running it. I'm pretty sure she ran that whole thing and she's like, yeah, absolutely, christy, you can be in the show. I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1:So I went home and I began to practice and make up a routine, and this is where I fell in love with choreography, and so I made up a routine to John Travolta Stayin Alive. Okay, now I'm so dating myself. I made up a routine to Far From Over was the name of that song Far From Over and it's like, so it's very, very powerful and and just like, there was a lot of points where I could kind of, you know, step to the beat and be like a power move, and so I did this and it just did it for me. You know, I didn't think anything of it. My peers came up and told me how good it was and I was like she, literally, you're the one that did that, you're the one that did that dance number right. And I'm like, yeah, and it just I felt so good about myself and I had never experienced producing something that actually my peers appreciated before.
Speaker 1:That was the first time where I felt like I may have something here. Well, also, I had Mr Cano who came to me after the show and she's like Christy, you're special, she's like you're special, she's like I want to come to your competition. Mr Cano came to my dance competition and I'm like a teacher actually cared that much about me and me and my success that outside of the school hours she went to support me and showed up at my dance competition. I'll never forget that. She was so amazing and I think she put something in my yearbook like please remember me when you're famous. Teachers matter, man. They matter so much, they matter so much. I don't know I haven't reached out or found her or anything, but her name was Celestra Cano. Makes me want to go look her up and thank her Honestly, like I want to thank her. Anyway, I digress.
Speaker 1:So that was the first time I realized that maybe I had a gift of dancing that I could share with people, that I could make up a routine and get an evoke emotion in some way. Middle school was kind of like a come up for me. I feel like I established some confidence in that way. Trust me, there were some ups and downs. There wasn't the greatest stuff. That happened as well. Like, I think, my friend group and somebody else's friend group started telling each other things that we were saying which we really weren't saying.
Speaker 1:And next thing, you know, I'm in this fight with this other girl. And now that all of a sudden our from my friends are telling her friends like they need to fight, they need to fight each other, then it becomes this big fight. I am so not a fighter, you guys. I am so not a fighter, Like honestly. So now, all of a sudden, I'm like, oh my god, I have to fight somebody. Where am I? I have to fight somebody, Fan fricking, tastic. And now the whole school's made this big big thing about fighting someone. And you know it's going down after school today. They've got a time because you know I'm not planning this fight. Okay, that's the first thing that I'm doing, because I am not really wanting to fight her.
Speaker 1:I remember that day we all leave the school, we're walking over to this St John Vianney's parking lot, the school is freaking following us. This is a promoted Mike Tyson event and you know what, like we don't even know. It wasn't seventh grade, okay, and she wasn't a fighter either, just for the record, thank god. So all of a sudden, they're like somebody pushes me into her and the next thing, you know we're fighting. So it was absolute chaos, absolute made up shit from people outside of us to create an event and cause a stir, which eventually gets blah, blah, blah and I suspended from school and my mom's like what the hell are you doing? I'm like I don't know, I don't know. I wasn't even really involved.
Speaker 1:It was the main event, so that we I actually picked up the phone and called her when we were both suspended from school. I called her and it was like hey, I'm sorry for anything that happened. She's like I'm sorry too. I was like I really don't even know what happened and how this got bigger than us, but it did, and so we were fine after that, like we really don't even know why we had a problem in the first place, because it really wasn't us. So if that says anything about what media can do, that was just an isolated small town event that the two main people weren't even really saying anything or doing anything, not even the first punch. There wasn't any punches, but you get what I'm saying. It was a push by somebody else. The whole thing was manufactured and we were just little pawns.
Speaker 1:So just imagine if that happened to me and I'm a seventh grader what it can do to people that are out there and they're famous. You know, this person says something over here and then this person says something over here Like oh, I can think of one right now Selena and Haley Bieber. Yeah, they may have had an underlying issue with the main man in their life, but did they? Did they cause it or was it manufactured? I always look a little bit deeper. I mean, I don't know, maybe it wasn't manufactured, maybe the things they said Haley Bieber did to Selena was fact and true, but maybe it wasn't. And if it wasn't and you know that they didn't do that, does that change your opinion on things or do you still feel the same way?
Speaker 1:I just think that there's always like this, something else that could be possibly going on and maybe, to be fair to people, you should look at that, because we're never really going to know the true story. We're never going to know what's happening behind the scenes, because it's none of our business and we don't live their lives. I don't know. Just a thought, I don't know.
Speaker 1:So when you talk about looking at me now and my confidence of putting myself out there, there's that little girl inside me that says, ew, ew, so cringy, why did you put that out there? Like I'll put it out there and I won't even look, I can't even look. It's like, okay, post and go. That's my philosophy. Post and run, post and run.
Speaker 1:I still feel like they could be talking about me. I still feel like they'd be like what the fuck is she doing? She thinks that she's that great she's going to post herself. She's full of herself, she's this, she's that. But I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that because I figure, if I put it out there on my own social media and people make fun of that and people talk about me behind my back, guess what? If I can handle people that know me doing it, I can sure as handle somebody else that doesn't do it. And there's going to be a lot of that too, and there is. I deal with that too. So why not start my home base and let them start the chatter? They haven't said anything negative to me.
Speaker 1:I'm just, these are things that come up in my head, you know. I'm like I'm just going to put it out there. I'm just going to put it out there. I got somebody's going to see it and think I'm an idiot. Oh my God, she doesn't. She's talking about you know, she's just well, she's aged poorly. You know.
Speaker 1:All these things come into my mind. I'm like I guess that's just part of being human. I guess that happens to all of us and, no matter what, I'm going to be okay, because that other part of me is the rebellious, rebellion part of me, where I want to just tell people to go fuck off. So I'm very balanced. This little scared girl over here cringes when she posts on social media, but this over here, this rebellious fight back personality, is ready to kick your ass. So I think it's a good mix, but I guess what I'm trying to say is all these things that happened in your life, instead of using them as a crutch for why you're not doing something, use it for the betterment of why you are. Challenge these opinions of these people that really don't play a part in your everyday life. What's going to change in my life if people look at this and then they go out and they eat and they're talking about me? Nothing, because I'm not going to know about it. You know why? Because it's none of my business.
Speaker 1:I did not talk about anything cannabis today and I'm sorry for that. Like I told you, I'm living in these two different worlds right now, but also I'm about to finish taping this and then I'm about to film back to back episodes with Phoebe, so I'm going to be all in the cannabis talk. You got to listen to us on Wednesdays because I think, from from what I can tell, phoebe and I are getting so much better. You know, it's like when we first started I was kind of like in this little box, I'm like cannabis only, cannabis only, cannabis only. It doesn't have to be cannabis only, let's incorporate all of it. And so I can see her starting to come alive and just let it out, her personality. And I'm starting to do the same thing and we're just I don't know. It's getting really easy to edit those episodes because it flows so freely and it's proud of us. I'm proud of us. We're becoming little podcast hosts.
Speaker 1:I usually talk about a different social media each time. I think I've covered all my social media, though I'm pretty sure that I have. So instead, what I'm going to tell you about is christiechanelcom. I made Christie Chanel LLC last year. It's a company that I never really did anything with, so now I'm going to do something with it. I'm going to tie it to love you and should buy the podcast, and christiechanelcom is going to be where all of my podcast stuff is, or anything that's happening and all of that fun stuff. So I would just like to say christiechanelcom. I haven't completed it yet, so when it's done I will tell you about it, put it in the back of your memory and remember to go check it out. But since I don't have anything Christie Chanel just yet, I do have simply vibincom, and that that is where all of the code green plant stuff is, and I spent a lot of time on that website, I'd love an opinion or two. Hey, guide me in the right direction. It's all about you, guys, that that website is not about me. It's about you. Tell me which thing of that simply vibincom and christiechanelcom is soon to follow. I'll keep you updated on that and all the information.
Speaker 1:If you're listening on a podcast, go and click follow the little plus sign or go hit subscribe on YouTube. It's going to tell you when the next episode is out, because you know what I did. This is what I did on the podcast. I was supposed to release at midnight on Friday my solo series. I freaking set it for 10 pm, like I don't know how I did that, but I go and I look and I see, oh my God, I forgot to release my podcast. I need more sleep, I think, but that will tell you when it's actually released. It'll go. Hey, this is out now you, just in case I don't do it right, which is very possible on all fronts, but at the same time, my YouTube version did come out on time, so I got one right. Give me a little credit for more episodes and then I'm off to love you, miss you by. And I'm so excited and I've decided.
Speaker 1:I have decided not to say women, focused for a couple of different reasons. I, because there are so many different pronouns right now and I want to respect all of them. I want to be inclusive to everyone. I don't care what you look like. I don't care how old you are. I don't care if you identify as a female but are physically a male. I don't care if you are non-binary, a sexual, gay, lesbian, if you are a male or female, it doesn't matter what you identify with. This is a safe place because the stuff I'm talking about can affect all people. Don't forget to like and subscribe. Don't forget to go to simplyvibeincom and check out all my hard work. Don't forget to listen to Phoebe and I on Wednesdays on Code Green Plant and hang out here for the next four episodes, or actually the next three episodes. Countdown has begun. All right, talk to you soon. Love you, miss you, bye. Code Green Plant.
